I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
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they should invent a type of situation that improves.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Watermelon Boss!
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Bless you
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here