The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
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I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
oh my gosh!!
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.