*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
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I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
pelicons
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.