Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
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I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Tell the colonel to bring it
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now