“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
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*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
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When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy