dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
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Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.