My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
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[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.