50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
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She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
i think both sides are to blame here
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
live long and prosper!
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER