My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
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I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
grotesque if literal: baby food
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”