*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
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ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me