My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
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I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight