No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
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So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.