WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
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This story is comedy gold 😂
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP