me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
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My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.