Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
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Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.