Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
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Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.