Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
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When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
whatcha thinkin bout
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
*lint rolls you awake*
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]