Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
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Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people