*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
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I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
handsome & gretel
Erm I’m gonna say no
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.