Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
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House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
This kid will have a bright future.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.