Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
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We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!