Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
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Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone