[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
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I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
she has a point
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Before crowbars crows drank alone
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.