The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
You Might Also Like
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.