I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
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I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva