A completely valid reaction tbh
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No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
You have been warned.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
S M O L
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front