I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
You Might Also Like
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Lmaoo 😂
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*