I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
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A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
😆this is so true
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.