My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
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pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.