2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
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I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.