Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
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Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Lol.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.