Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
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Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies