If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
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Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Well, this explains it:
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Me trying to look natural in photos
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?