Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
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Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Natty or not?
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed