Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
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Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?