therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
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Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them