Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
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detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
I just love that new Pope smell.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.