[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
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OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Hmm, not sure about this change
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Ha.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.