I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
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Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.