*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
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I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
I can’t be the only one 😂
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel