“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
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Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
cause of death:
autopsy.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.