Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
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😆this is so true
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE