Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
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It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
*aggressively waits in line*
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means