* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
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Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’