My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
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“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
#growingpains
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter