“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
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Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
mathematically impossible
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Meowchelangelo
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?