My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
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The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
this country is so goddamn polarized
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail