As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
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When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Our lord and savoury.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.