Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
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person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.