everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
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A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
You can’t outrun your problems…
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.